I have come to a point where I don't feel bad for not updating, which is horrible. I actually do have things to say, like this post that have been a draft for more than a month (or two) but not enough willpower to finish it.
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I learnt many things in my life. I mean. I did lots of things. And I think I'm quite good at most of those things.
By quite good, I just meant that I can actually do it. Which I think is quite a feat.
There are many things that I can do (just, you know, do). Sometimes I wonder if I choose just to be good at one out of those things I can do, I am probably going to be very good at it. I sometimes wonder if I do one and not the rest. I wonder if I could actually become an athlete, or an artist, or a vet, if only I choose to do things differently than I did back then.
But I actually did choose some. I choose some, and I don't do the rest anymore. But still I find that I am not particularly good at them either.
I realize that it might be just the case that in whatever I do, I might be good at it--enough for it to be good--but probably not spectacular. I don't think the current me can manage in doing spectacular in anything.
Is it because I don't practice enough? I don't study enough? Perhaps. Was it the price I paid to be able to do all of the things that I can do? Perhaps.
Still, I don't think there will be anything that I am going to be very good at.
This is quite gross but some people would argue if I said I am mediocre. My friend said that somebody would punch me if they hear me saying that I am not very smart. I want to believe in that, but it costs a lot to believe so.
It costs a lot to think that it matters if I am more than just okay--because it entails a lot of work and achievements. I am not that... ambitious? Diligent? I don't have enough energy to get there, most likely.
That is why I accept that maybe, I am not destined for greatness. I probably am mediocre. In a spectrum of mediocrity, I probably fall somewhere where my parents can brag about me, and that my friend can be happy to acknowledge that we know each other, and that some people would think I am pretty good at what I do. But it remains, that I am mediocre. And it is really nice to accept that possibility, because it brings peace to me.
It is quite different mindset, I think, to think that you are not all that special in grand scheme of things and to think you are not all that special in all things you do. The first thought I got it covered for years now, makes me a happier being (if there is any time I don't think that, or if there is any time I am not happy). The second thought--this is a little harder to be accepted.
Because sometimes I just want to be good, you know?
And it shows. I told myself it was a game. That it's fine if I don't win, but sometimes I get myself stuck with frustration when I am losing, and sometimes I resorted to blame my teammates (if I have one). Sometimes I swear when I play games--and that tells a lot about how invested I actually am when I played. And well. This is just a game. I mean, at most games I am pretty chill about losing or winning, but there are some that really hurts when I lose.
So yeah. Sometimes, even though I have come to believe that I am insignificant and pretty much everything exist in the face of earth also are, I want to be good.
But I don't. And sometimes it felt bad.
But most of the times... I guess it's not so bad. It actually felt nice sometimes, when you can only watch the game from afar and see those who are really good at it play. Amazing, even. Then you'd realize that even the reaaal good ones still lose sometimes.
So yeah!
If mediocre is what I am I guess I'll try to be pretty happy with it. After all, that's where everyone is.
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